I wonder if you said what you said knowing that it could effect me.
Or was it a test of our “friendship” or if you even knew what you said.
I was there for you when you needed me and now you’ve said something that you cant take back and i dont know what to do with it, its like knowing I have the gun and you’ve just given me the bullet and wanting to see if I’ll pull the trigger, and in all honesty I’m struggling not to.
You know what happened to me, and how I felt, yet you did it anyway… you seem to want a reaction from me, and I can ensure you that you won’t get it, as I don’t show my weaknesses as I don’t promote them.
I need to think about this. What ever happens this isn’t my fault you did this not me.
I find certain people very amusing at times, its amusing to me as they don’t seem to think before they speak, especially when they speak about myself and how terrible I am as a human to my closest friends and dont expect it to get back to me… I know everything, and quite frankly don’t give a shit. Firstly if your not willing to be an adult about this that’s fine. I still am, and will continue to act like one. Secondly please dont think I don’t know anything about whats been said I know it all, again I’ll keep it to myself, for now just refrain from talking about me and I’ll forget about it.
"Become bigger than the issue, rise above it and then look down upon it and realised its nothing but a small insignificant speck of dirt you care nothing about."
Man we used to be brothers, superheroes and warriors,
Cowboys and Indians, train drivers, everything,
Rolling through the endless summers.
But everything changes, you got married, had children,
And I don’t have your number, the one I can remember
Is the place you used to live with your parents.
But in the stillness of the moment it takes for a polaroid picture
To capture our faces forever,
The world has turned a touch on its axis, and the only thing certain
Is everything changes.
Man they closed the Astoria at the end of last summer:
The place we earned our pedigree, scene of our victories,
A sanctuary in the centre of London.
Now they’re building a railway, to drag the vanquished to Versailles,
And the singalongs go on, but they’re singing different songs
In rooms that we don’t know on the other side of the city.
I just need a little time to take a little time with today,
To savior all the triumph and tragedy, before it slips away.
So let go of the little distractions,
Hold close to the ones that you love,
Because we won’t all be here this time next year,
So while you can take a picture of us.
Take a polaroid picture.
Take a picture of us to show we’ve been watching to see where the time goes.
So in the stillness of the moment make sure you take a polaroid picture,
And keep it with you forever,
To remind yourself that everything changes,
But there was this one time, there was this one time, when things were OK.
You are my new inspiration…My muse
And I mean that not as a compliment, I will use you to cruise through any writer’s block.
Any lazy daze when a glazed gaze invades my mind’s cave of creativity I will think of you…and what you did to me. I will take negativity and make it inspire me.
I was not a book from a library!
As I stand here alone, I declare I was not a loan,
To be picked up and dropped off at a later date. And you barely even made my spine bend. Just skimmed through some of the interesting bits then skipped to the end. The notes you left in my margins turned from
scribbles to scars
But here’s the best part:
You didn’t even realise you were reading the first draft of a best seller
The manuscript of a future Nobel prize winner.
This book you discarded as a pamphlet will ignite shit.
I will write ten times harder than before, I will create art, I will create beauty, I will create so many things that you can’t ignore.
But I will not do them in your name I will not shout you from the roof tops, I will tap your name out in morse code on my outer thigh as I casually accept plaudits from on high.
I will not to try to win you back, I do not want you back.
I just want to show you, I just need to show you what you fucking walked away from.
I will achieve all my goals ten-fold, I will achieve your goals too, casually!
I will have happiness and joy in my life I will fall in love; husband, child and wife, I will shine brighter than I could ever have dreamed to be.
And you will see me And you will see.
Me I will make rivers run red in your anonymity. The screams of nations will echo our affinity. My wrath will be relentless. My path of destruction will be momentously momentous. I will change the face of history and paint it in my likeness. And I will like this I will destroy everything that you hold dear. By simply destroying everything far and near.
My footsteps will be impossible not to hear, I will watch you from afar and taste each tear, I will wipe out entire races, I will erase faces and displace with great haste and no graces. This world will become my plaything. Embracing my ways and then just breaking. I will burn this entire world to the ground! I will leave a mark greater than any have ever left before I will lay waste by land, air and sea.
Loneliness makes me think all about the what ifs, the what should have been and how I should have delt with it. It also gives me time to think about the future, and how I want it to be and how it currently is going. I mean is this supposed to be? How it will be for some time or is this short termed?
I’m struggling with this because I felt I found someone who was genuinely looking to help me and understood how I am and what I needed, instead I feel I was used for that very same thing, I feel that I was made to feel safe and able to let my guard down, but when I did it was then used to have something over me, and also said person knowing full well how to cut that connection in a heart beat once they had been seen as a good person i guess.
My life with friends and family has been a little mental recently and don’t have anyone to talk to about it, I’ve lost that, and everyone I’ve spoken to doesn’t seem to care and not because they are self centred or anything, just that they have their own problems to deal with. I wish I could change a few things to make things better for me and those people I really do. Especially because I seem to have been thinking about someone for some time and know full well nothing will come of it.
I hate this feeling and want it to end, but know full well doing something stupid wouldn’t be the answer. That and a very close friend said to me that its a cowards way out, which I am not a coward.
I want/need something to happen positively to help me gwt through this.